Yesterday was a pretty hectic day, hence the reason I did not find the time to write my daily blog. And today, I think due to the fact that I felt overwhelmed, it’s been a weird kind of day. But let me tell you – a text message likes this just makes the whole day a LOT better! And I have my daughter to thank, for that!
By all means, this message is not to whine and complain, rather to let the moms out there know that they are not alone. We all have struggles, and we all deal with them in different ways. It doesn’t mean that we are not capable or that we are not “good” moms.
This article is coming from a mom perspective today because I feel like I need to get out a bit of what’s been going through this head of mine, so yes, I’m untangling my mind!!
This week is our week with five kids. And as most people know, the ages are 12, 12 (almost 13), 13 (almost 14), 14, and 15 – three of which are on the Spectrum. Maybe people know, but maybe they don’t – children who are Autistic DO have emotions, and at the same time, they have different ways of reacting to certain things. As a parent and step/parent, it’s a whole new learning curve on how to balance it all out, so that everyone is happy. So that everyone gets along. So that, so that, so that … and as tough as it can get sometimes, I wouldn’t change a thing for a minute!
A little something – one of the special things my daughter and I do (before she leaves for school, texting, before bed, and even “just because”), is:
J – “I love you.”
Me – “I love you too”
J – “Unconditionally.”
Me – “Unconditionally”
Done. End of conversation. Just like that.
And this is her, here …
My header image is a screen shot from our conversation today, and well, you will see the hearts we send to each other too…! It’s unconditional love that I not only have for her, but ALL of my children/stepchildren (the two older ones – 23 and 25 – as well!)!!
But, now, I want to talk a bit about this morning.You see, I was the vulnerable mom.
After the first set of kids left. I cried. Okay, I bawled. Trust me, I didn’t mean to. I did wait until they were gone, so that counts for something, right?
The morning started by trying to juggle the “jump in the shower, it’s getting late” to helping with clothes, getting lunches ready, trying to squeeze in my coffee so I could get my dose of caffeine. And let’s not forget the disgusting habit of smoking I have – so I needed my nicotine … and trust me when I say, I have been trying to quit over and over for the past, I don’t know how many years. Not quite there yet, BUT, it doesn’t make me a bad person!! It is just something that I turn to so that I can have a “break” from it all, that’s all!
Anyways, back to this morning – my husband was outside already with the other two, but as my last daughter left, I could see it in her eyes that she knew my anxiety was coming on. She knew that I was having a rough morning, and that I was about to just let it all go – she heard it in the way my voice crackled “I love you” and the way I was avoiding eye contact…but she was going to be late, so I had to rush her out the door…and needless to say, they all caught the bus in time (mission accomplished!)!
And damn she just knows me too well!!!! She absolutely senses when something is wrong. She is always quick to give me a hug and pat my back!
Mind you, all of my girls can sense when something is wrong. And my husband. And my mom. And my sister. Argh!! they. all. know!!
It’s true what they say – everything can be seen and felt just by the look in your eyes, and the sound in your voice…
I then got my (not so) little one up, and she must have known I was in a mood, because when she did get up, she started cleaning the bathroom which had all of her makeup and nails on the counter. She has been experimenting with the eyeliner and mascara, and I think she honestly does better than me!! But, last night I had mentioned it, and boy was she quick to get it done for me this morning.
You see, when I finally got to have, and finish my first morning cigarette, I came in to see the bathroom SPIC and SPAN! When she cleans, she CLEANS!!I told her how thankful I was for her doing that for me and how much I loved her…and that it meant a lot! And, it helped me a lot – it made me feel good. I’m sure it made her feel really good just knowing that she made me happy! Children really do need to hear it when they’ve done something amazing! Just that extra makes a world of difference!!
You know, I think in life, we need to slow down. Just really, SLOW down. Whether you have kids or not.
Sometimes, we just try too hard to get everything done at once. We try new things. We help our kids. We teach our kids. We do the laundry. Sweep the floors. Clean the dishes. Take them here. Take them there. Go to work. And don’t forget about the pet that you may have to take care of as well!!
That was my morning this morning. I was in a mood that I just wanted to focus on all the things I needed to get done. I didn’t want to have to worry about it later!!
And it’s OKAY, because everybody has those moments. As I sit here writing this out, catching my breath and having my third cup of coffee, I realize that I am NOT the only person who must feel overwhelmed at times. It’s when we feel these things, and we finally get to catch up the next day or next week, whatever it may be, we acknowledge our true feelings. Our true emotions.
And we can appreciate the time we have now. Today.
Enjoy it, grasp it. Take the good with the bad and the bad with the good - it will get better ...
I do have to go for now, to continue my day and get the rest of “chores” done before the kids get home. I hope that if you are reading this, you remember that you are just as equally important.
“Let’s untangle our mind, and set it free…”