Almost a year ago now, I had joined Coil, and while chatting with the Coil Fam at one point, I had mentioned one day I would write about my daughter’s birth. Their motivation has helped to keep that idea in my mind, and I am thankful for that!
My article of yesterday drew some attention, and I was redirected to Riley’s article, The Fear of Becoming “Mom”. Further chatting with her, she inspired me to finally just write. my. story. You see, I think I have been putting it off for too long, but the thing is, I think it may help someone along their journey. I spoke with my ex-husband (we will call him “D”), and got the “OKAY” to write about this, so here I go!
Please know that I am not writing this to steer anyone away from their choices in life. I’m just sharing my experience…
It was in November of 2003 when we discovered I was pregnant with our first child. “It” was to be born in the first week of July, 2004. I had just turned 24 in August, which meant I would have my first child by the age of 25. Yikes!! I was excited, we had waited a couple of years before we decided to have children and when we said, let’s try – it happened right away!!
D is a “techy” guy. He is a Network Administrator, and can pretty much do anything computer related. Me, I’m just a small town girl … My point in saying this is, that I wanted to have my children through a Midwife at home; yet, he wanted to have our children in the hospital – with technology. After many discussions, we decided to have the best of both worlds – A Midwife IN the Hospital!
At the time, we were living with my parents at the lake and were doing about a two hour each way commute to work.
That was our backyard
During the time I was pregnant, there were many “relief” breaks, me complaining about the heat and the cold in the car (I could never get comfortable). I had my naps, and I had the crazy leg cramps to go along with it!!!
And let’s not forget my cravings. Pizza and Frozen Yogurt. Yes, the girl who hates yogurt fell in love with Frozen Yogurt, and I had at least one slice of pizza every day – I would pick it up whenever I could, wherever I could!! Sounds crazy, I know, but for all three pregnancies, I had different cravings and these were the ones for this one!
Those were the easy things – the hard thing about me being pregnant were my emotions – which seemed out of whack! Crying for no reason, any time of any day!! I had quit smoking as soon as I found out, so it could have been a lack of the nicotine as well. I will say this, D was pretty darn patient with me at that time!!
Let’s fast forward a bit – getting closer to the due date – we started seeing the midwives more frequently – turns out there are two of them. One for the delivery and one for assistance. I am not going to mention names in this article, or locations, for the privacy of the people involved.
We wanted our first child to be a surprise, but we already had in mind what names we would choose. And as it turns out, it was a GIRL!!! The one name that always stuck with me was “Julianna”. I wanted to spell it the Italian way – Giuliana, but we compromised and spelled it the “English” way, which was also fine with me!! As long as we could name her Julianna.
I had planned to leave work two weeks before the due date, before I started my Maternity Leave, and all was fine – a baby shower was held for me and everything was moving along smoothly. My sister would be in the delivery room video recording our first child coming into this world, and I would be playing the one song I always sat and listened to at night. The one song I had playing in the hospital room during birth. The one song that I rocked my daughter to sleep, and the one song she plays EVERY night, which is played all night long…
This is the exact CD I bought, and I as I write this, I’m starting to tear up. Have a listen while you read …
My birth wasn’t exactly a birth I wish upon anyone, and it actually left my sister scared not wanting to have children. BUT, she is now a mother of two beautiful boys. I like to think of it that I showed her that even with all the shit I went through during my first childbirth, I could do it again, and I did. Twice more!
I think a lot of women fear birth. I know I had my fears, and if you know me, I’m the girl who can’t handle needles. I’m the girl who gets scared going under. I’m the girl who’s scared about a lot of things, but I try to be strong for my girls. I try to be strong for the ones I love. My pain comes last. My children come first. You know what I mean?
I know I got a bit side-tracked, I’m sorry.
Just know that when you are experiencing your first childbirth – it’s your body, it’s your mind, and you are allowed to get emotional. Embrace the support offered and just take it one day at a time!! ❤️
“Let’s untangle our mind, and set it free…”